Sleep, sleep my beloved, sleep without worry, without fear.…..
Mix exhaustion with hope. Add shame and doubt as flavorings ideally left out but present nonetheless. Memories of emotions and behaviors to push back - was that really me?? Exhaustion either because the mind spins or is beyond thinking and the body always joins in agreement.
So I'll see, I'll try.
This is just a top note of what going to treatment is like except the need to front and center focus on all those emotions and behaviors that experts says need to be addressed. Do they know how scary it is to face me? No they don't. They have no idea, but somehow think they do. No wonder I need meds to function. You'd need 'em too.
“My issues”. Did I choose them? Maybe, but only because it was better than the alternative at the time. I have issues but I'm not stupid. I still want a life. Something better than this.
To be honest, treatment is helpful. I wasn't sure if it would be or would be this time. But yeah, it's not bad, maybe pretty good on a good day. I'm going to be careful who I admit that to – I could jinx it.
I'm still exhausted. Up early, on a schedule, going to groups, therapy, learning about me, thinking about what's next, meds are changing, my body is adjusting, my mind is, twirling but better? That may be optimistic as I'm only 22 days in, but it's a start.
People are all around. Keys on staff clanging, not loud, just there. Always there, always cheerfully checking in. In treatment, you are never alone for obvious reasons. Only in your head is there alone and sometimes it's too crowded to be by yourself even there. So real sleep, real quiet - not a thing in treatment. When women come to Busara from treatment, they are exhausted. They are amazed at how quiet the house is, how quiet the neighborhood is. And the first week or so they are with us, we let them sleep until they wake up. It helps of course that bedtime comes earlier than most places, but how does anyone know what good sleep, or some sleep, looks like until you experience it?
We have found that the restorative power of sleep helps with therapeutic progress and emotional and physical regulation. The majority of our residents have had significant sleep disturbances for months or years. Much of this has been trauma related, or for some how their body seems to work. Our Clinical House Managers are always available to help our residents settle their internal and physical feelings through meditation, sleep hygiene, processing of emotions and caring support. We have found that this partnering in what for some, may seem like a smaller thing is huge in making change possible. Always moving toward better.